What God is teaching me

I've been in a weird state lately since getting back from my retreat. Our speaker Kelly was wonderful and we studied the book of Ruth, a book I have read a few times, but it's amazing how scripture teaches us new things every time we read it. It's amazing how different things effect you at different stages in my life.

I have been each one of these women, I have been Orpah, Naomi and Ruth. Though I wish I were more like Ruth I can see myself so many more times as Naomi, kind of bitter, kind of complaining, blaming God for abandoning me in my time of weakness, when all along he has my best intentions at hand. I'm just too stubborn to see it sometimes. I know that God teaches us things through trials but I am not always patient with that. We are studying the book of James in our small group and while I can honestly say, NO I do not enjoy a trial, I know with every fiber of my being that God is with me through every second of it, I know that he is going to teach me something and while my attitude of "OK God whatever you are teaching me..can you make it quick" is not the right one, I know that God will mold me into a more Godly person.

I have a heart for women it's not easy being a woman/mom. God gives us this heart to care for others, we are the caregivers.Sometimes it's overwhelming how much we care for others, beyond even our own families. Some of us more than others. Oh how I weep when I see a picture of a child who has been killed at the hands of another human being, or hearing stories of children who are abused or children who are starving and orphaned in far away countries.

I sit in my home and complain when my husband has to travel for work (he has a job that he loves) a job that allows me to live in my comfy home, not having to work (although some days I wish I did have an office to go to) so I can take care of my beautiful, perfectly healthy children and yet I complain. I try very hard to catch myself because I truly know that God has blessed me so abundantly, so much more than I ever deserve. I am so thankful to God for making me a woman/mom/caregiver. Each and every day is hard and I sacrifice my own wants and desires (I would love a nanny and a cook and a person to do my laundry...lets be honest, here) so then I would have time for myself and time to do the fun things with my kids.

But I want to be obedient to HIM, I want to be the wife, mother, child, sister, friend HE wants me to be. I want to share my faith with others, there are so many LOST people but how can I share my faith when I have my moments of weakness. Why would anyone want to listen to what I have to say when I am a mess ...being a Naomi. I try hard not to let people see the true weaknesses in me. I grew up with the mentality "never let them see you sweat", but am I really hiding it? And if I'm hiding it so well, who am I hiding it from. HE sees all things, he knows what is in my heart, why would others want to walk with Jesus or come to the Lord when I am not a living example of HIS goodness. I'm not transparent so am I coming across as ungeniune causing them to see me as not real. So why, I am of flesh, I struggle daily with my flesh, my own desires. I pray that all my actions would be God honoring and purposeful.